The Second Day

It's the second day of summer. Yesterday, I sat in Sharon's backyard and wondered how I would even make it through this summer. I was dreading it. The next two months were a shadow, looming over me in every step I took of every day. I escaped it only in my sleep, but always awoke to it again. But that was yestereday, that was then. Now, my perspective has slightly shifted. Summer 2010 is again looking bright.
The sun shines high in the sky today, with a cool, welcoming breeze shifting through the trees. Last night it happened, although in all technicalities it was actually very early this morning. He was there at sharons, and it seemed terrible at first, we barely talked. The words we did speak were strained; forced and cold. Slowly though, as the night wore one into the early beginnings of the next day, the forced words evaporated. What was left was just like old times. Fun, exciting. Full of laughter and joy. He became the same sweet guy he used to be, the one my friends say wouldn't be coming back ever. The light rays of hope flitted into my heart and brain. I only hope that they continue to glow as the summer wears on.

I Wish...

I wish I could be beautiful
Flawless and perfect.

I wish I could be beautiful
Inside and outside.

I wish I could be beautiful
Loved and wanted.

I wish I could be beautiful
Thin and curvy.

I wish I could be beautiful
Anything but me.

Happy Never After

My friends can keep telling me that I can`t find love this young, but I will never believe them.

I went the past five years not even believing love could exsist. I was firm in my decision. It was a fairy tale. Happy ever after? More like happy NEVER after. And then he came along.



I was introduced to him, and he acted cold. Which normally would be a turn off, but it made me curious. I also of course noticed his looks. Striking was my adjective of choice. I wanted to get to know him, figure out who he was, what he liked. I also quickly came to realize I wanted to know whether he could like me.

First we became friends. Started hanging out after school, in the evenings...It was the happiest I had been in a long time. We talked all the time, it became my constant reply when asked who I was texting. Slowly, he managed to peel back what seemed to be every layer of myself. He made me feel special. Like I was somebody. I still didnt believe in love, but he seemed determined to prove me wrong.

When we finally got together, everything just seemed right. He was my everything. And I knew that I couldnt deny it any longer. I completley, utterly, and unconditionally loved him. And for whatever reason, he loved me too...

I was happy. My friends hated my sickening, constant, love quotes and sayings and pictures. I adored them. I liked myself, I loved my boyfriend, and for the most part I enjoyed my life. When things got bad, I had him. I trusted him with my life, and my heart.

It ended. I cried, I screamed. I did everything that I could do in an attempt to make it stop hurting. I've realized now, that is doesnt stop hurting. It still hurts just as much today as it did the day we broke up. And I dont see the pain going away anytime soon. I made him my everything, and as a result, I am now left with nothing. But I wouldnt take any of it back for the world. He still has every part of me. He is still my everything, and I still love him and would do anything for him. I said forever and always. And that isnt going to end anytime soon.

You can tell me all you want that I dont love him. That we cant find love at this time in our lives. You're wrong. It may seem mean to put it so bluntly, but I dont care. Nothing anybody says will convince me that I dont feel for him the way I do. Over the time we were friends and together, he became my Stupid Hockey Player, and he will be that forever and always. Im in love with him, it's simple as that. Whether I'm broken or whole, happy or sad, mad or calm, depressed or overjoyed, busy or bored, he's alway on my mind, and he's always in my heart. No matter the things he does that annoy me or make me mad or hurt me, I still feel the same for him. I still want to be with him. You can tell me thats not love, but I cant think of a better expression for what love is then that.

You confuse me,
Hurt me,
Use me.
You say you want me,
Then leave me,
Taunt me.
You break me,
Lie to me,
Fake your love for me.
You dont need me,
Dont want me,
Only mislead me.
What do I do?
You have completley won.
You`re over me; I still love you...

I love editing photos, to make them express even more then they did to begin with. Whether it`s a photo I have taken, or on off the internet (such as this) ìt`s always fun to make them something more.

Rumors

Haunted.
Followed.
Chased.
Caught.
Cornered.
Trapped.
Scratched.
Biten.
Left.
Alone.
Crying.
Bleeding.
Dying.
Dead.

Rumors, where was the fun in that ?

Counting

Six months and two days. It`s not fair, that the world has continued spinning, moving. There is a wonderful person, who was taken away. And it doesnt even care enough to stop.

Band Class

I am sitting in band class. Our final concert was a last week, so needless to say it's been fairly boring since. No more music to play, all we do is sit here. Bored by the frivolous movie about music history. As band geeks one would think we care about the interesting world of musical origins. We don't.
My friends sit beside me playing on iPods paying little to no attention to the video. I am not one to talk as I am writting this blog on my iPod. I am though, paying enough attention to fill in the blanks. As I pay more attention I find myself coming increasingly more bored. My friends most likely feel the same.
We are all eagerly awaiting the bell, but at the same time dreading it. For we shall move from boring videos onto a math exam. It will be our saviour and our killer. Neither friend nor foe. Simply there to signal the end of band class and the beginning of math...

Beauty and Intelligence

Twenty-two years and many more to come. I look at pictures from when she was younger, and think what an adorable little girl she was. Now, she has grown to be a beautiful woman. She graduated from high school and moved on the University of Lethbridge. Recentley, she graduated from there with a Bachelor of Nursing Degree. Beautiful and intelligent. That`s my big cousin. And how very proud I am to be able to say I`m related to her.

My cousin is one of my biggest role models in life. She is truly a gem. I remember when my brother and I were little, we would go to visit and she would sit in the basement and play games with us. I always looked forward to the times I would get to go see her. As she grew up, we grew apart and the games became less, but it is understandable. What 16 year old would want to play games with an 8 year old? Yet she was still there. And for that I am grateful. Both of us continued to grow, and although we never were the closest, I wouldnt dream of turning away spending a day with her. Or even an hour. She was perfect in my eyes. And always will be.

Although there are days when I wish we were closer, I am content with how it is now. I always looked forward to the letters I used to recieve from her. Actually, I look forward to any contact I have with her whatsoever. She is everything I ever wanted to be. Successful, kind, beautiful and intelligence. My cousin, in short, is simply everything. And I am so proud of her.